So, the first versions of Alliance Metamorphosis, first book in the series, was written in third person with an omniscient narrator. It was clunky. I kept banging away at it because the story is great, but I have been despairing that I could make it a captivating read. Brainstorming with an editor who has seen the original, I decided to try first person present, alternating the narrative point of view between Midnight and Hawk. Bingo! Eureka! YES!!! I've cleaned up the clunky prose and filled a lot of additional description into it. What a difference. Here's an excerpt:
We are all tired. The attack has given us renewed energy, for a at least a few days. The refugees are sure now that they have made the right choice, but it has been a hard march. The elders are not used to this level of exertion, and the young have lots of energy, for a while, but are often tired from the sustained travel. There have been no more incidents, just the trail that has begun to seem endless to all of us.
I recognize the three white stones beside the trail that mark Hawk's Camp, smiling at the memories. I’m excited to see what Hawk has accomplished at Highwater. I haven't let myself think too hard about Hawk. I miss him terribly, but I’ve had to keep focused on my other family and the refugees, and get there, safely.
Debating whether to push on and arrive after dark, or camp once more and rest for the night, I decide to ask the refugees and call a halt. They all just drop to the ground to rest. Nosey climbs out of his bag and drops to the ground. After a few minutes, Seabird and Boomer come in from their scout routes. I wave them over to me. Half the troop is asleep with their packs still on by the time they get to me.
Gesturing towards the three stones, "We are most of a day out yet." I scan the refugees. More are asleep now. "Do we push on, or camp here?" Boomer and Seabird both say, "Camp." I nod, and they set about rousing everyone, and getting them moved off the trail. I show them the hide, and suggest the young children sleep inside. They will all just fit. Some of the people volunteer to gather wood. Our food is almost gone, but we have enough for everyone to have a small meal. The scouts have dropped a few rabbits and birds during the day. One of the mothers is getting a fire going with twigs and bark chips.
Several others spread out to forage what they can find to eat in the area. Seabird and Boomer go hunting, along with the men with new bows, and a few more that have brought theirs. A couple of women build three more fire pits and get them lit. I don't object. We are close enough to safety that there won't be any more enemy scouts lurking around, and if there are, there are several good people with weapons roaming the woods right now, looking for prey.
The hunters bring back a good meal. It’s too early for hibernation, and the other animals are out and about all the time. We feed as well as we can and sleep well. The war has become real to all of us, so no one falls asleep on watch.
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